This is an old paper I wrote back junior year in English, the initial assignment was to write a satirical piece based off "I Want a Wife" by Judy Brady. The message within her story was about feminism and how most women die at the thought of being a stay at home house wife. "I Want Verbal Abuse," was a very unique take on the piece itself. I had been verbally abused during sophomore year by someone who I thought was my best friend. Then during junior year we tried to "fix" things but he was still abusive toward me. Everything you read actually happened to me. This was the first time I had written anything down about how I had been feeling through out the school year. I remember the exact moment of coming up with the idea and sitting on a computer in the computer lab. The student teacher gave us the assignment and she read what I had typed so far and she started crying.
At that moment I hadn't quite realized that this paper would turn out to be one of the best things I have ever written in high school. I put my emotions into the assignment and I did get a 100% on it. Now when I look back and read it my heart does break, but now I can say I survived the storm and I am stronger than ever before. Currently I'm in the process of getting past all of what did happen junior year and this paper makes me feel so empowered. I told my story and I realized I wasn't crazy and it wasn't all made up in my head. No one can ever take that away from me.
I Want Verbal Abuse
I'm
categorized as part of the social outcasts. I am considered to be very
different compared to my peers. The social aspects of school have not always
been good for me. The other night while I was painting my nails, I thought
about the current situation my friend put herself in. Sadly, she was stuck in a
verbally abusive friendship. While I thought about her, it occurred to me, I
want verbal abuse.
I want to be told that I'm not good enough. I want to feel the pain and sorrow of not being accepted. My opinions should be silenced by the controlling men. I shouldn't want to believe in myself, and set goals. I want to be told that I look unappealing in my running clothes. I want to be called names, such as: slut, stupid, ugly, fatty, hypocrite, dyke and so forth.
I want to be uplifted and noticed, but I don't have the right to be acknowledged. Nothing I say is important or noticed. I might as well keep my mouth shut. I shouldn't have the right to decide who I am or what I'm allowed to do. Before I even consider following my heart, I need to have it confirmed by the so-called individual who controls my life.
As far as I'm concerned he is the literal King Of Anything. I don't deserve to have a good friend who is honest and respectful towards me. I should only be treated like a rag doll sitting on a shelf. My birthday or anything good that happens to me doesn't matter. I'm to be as lifeless as a car running empty on gas. My interests are also to be thrown to the side. The only thing I should be interested in is pleasing those around me. I'm not allowed to fight and stick up for myself. I'm the only one who is considered to be the liar. Everything I say against this friend is an apparent figment of my imagination. Therefore it is not true.
I want to be told everything I experienced didn't really happen. Any cruel word used against me was all in my head. I always have to be wrong and silent. I want people to say that everything I'm going through is all my fault, and that I'm the abuser of the friendship. I am not allowed to end the friendship at any costs, without taking all of the blame. How I feel is nothing compared to how my friend feels. I have to make sure everything I say is kind and honest, even though I'm always being yelled at and lied to.
I'm supposed to be the opened book in the relationship. I can't dare to hide any secrets about myself, but my friend on the other hand is allowed to be sneaky and deceitful. I'm not allowed to question any of his actions whatsoever. I want to just sit there and let this friend walk all over me. I want to feel the pain every time he tells me I'm not good enough. I want to be let down any time this friend makes a promise. I want to be known as the weak link. I want the whole world to think that I'm the mean and insecure one of the friendship. I want weights crushing down on my heart, each time I dare to cry. I'm not allowed to be vulnerable in any sense. My emotions are silent and meaningless.
I want to be left outside in the cold, by the friend who is supposed to mean the most. I want to be told that I'm not allowed to care. I want to be pushed away every time I attempt to give a hug. Warmth is something he won't ever let me feel.
I want to be chewed up and spit out. I want to be told that no one likes me, and that I don't have any other friends. I want my confidence to be crushed into a million pieces. I want to feel lost and hopelessly confused. I want to go on a downward spiral. I want this friend to traumatize me for life. I want to be told that I can't go on without him. I'm supposed to be the one who suffers. My conscience isn't allowed to be cleared. I want to be living on a fault line, and feel like the fault is all mine. I'm supposed to hate everything about me. I want to be told that I'm annoying and too clingy.
I want to be told that no matter how hard I try I will always fail. I want to be told that I'm messed up and completely broken. I want to be told that I'm not talented in any shape, size, or form. I'm waiting for my ideas to be overlooked. I want to be told that I'm desperate and lonely. I want all of my flaws to be pointed out. I want to be criticized over every little thing I do. I want to be told that insane and too loud.
When I am dropped from this friendship I want to feel betrayed. I want to be told that I'm a horrible person. I want to seem like I'm the crazy one who needs to be confined by a restraining order. I want to feel miserable and hurt. I want to be broken and speechless. I want the friend's words to haunt me day by day. I want to wake up every night with hatred in my heart. Verbal abuse is something I crave, and it's the path I'm dying to follow.
I want to be told that I'm not good enough. I want to feel the pain and sorrow of not being accepted. My opinions should be silenced by the controlling men. I shouldn't want to believe in myself, and set goals. I want to be told that I look unappealing in my running clothes. I want to be called names, such as: slut, stupid, ugly, fatty, hypocrite, dyke and so forth.
I want to be uplifted and noticed, but I don't have the right to be acknowledged. Nothing I say is important or noticed. I might as well keep my mouth shut. I shouldn't have the right to decide who I am or what I'm allowed to do. Before I even consider following my heart, I need to have it confirmed by the so-called individual who controls my life.
As far as I'm concerned he is the literal King Of Anything. I don't deserve to have a good friend who is honest and respectful towards me. I should only be treated like a rag doll sitting on a shelf. My birthday or anything good that happens to me doesn't matter. I'm to be as lifeless as a car running empty on gas. My interests are also to be thrown to the side. The only thing I should be interested in is pleasing those around me. I'm not allowed to fight and stick up for myself. I'm the only one who is considered to be the liar. Everything I say against this friend is an apparent figment of my imagination. Therefore it is not true.
I want to be told everything I experienced didn't really happen. Any cruel word used against me was all in my head. I always have to be wrong and silent. I want people to say that everything I'm going through is all my fault, and that I'm the abuser of the friendship. I am not allowed to end the friendship at any costs, without taking all of the blame. How I feel is nothing compared to how my friend feels. I have to make sure everything I say is kind and honest, even though I'm always being yelled at and lied to.
I'm supposed to be the opened book in the relationship. I can't dare to hide any secrets about myself, but my friend on the other hand is allowed to be sneaky and deceitful. I'm not allowed to question any of his actions whatsoever. I want to just sit there and let this friend walk all over me. I want to feel the pain every time he tells me I'm not good enough. I want to be let down any time this friend makes a promise. I want to be known as the weak link. I want the whole world to think that I'm the mean and insecure one of the friendship. I want weights crushing down on my heart, each time I dare to cry. I'm not allowed to be vulnerable in any sense. My emotions are silent and meaningless.
I want to be left outside in the cold, by the friend who is supposed to mean the most. I want to be told that I'm not allowed to care. I want to be pushed away every time I attempt to give a hug. Warmth is something he won't ever let me feel.
I want to be chewed up and spit out. I want to be told that no one likes me, and that I don't have any other friends. I want my confidence to be crushed into a million pieces. I want to feel lost and hopelessly confused. I want to go on a downward spiral. I want this friend to traumatize me for life. I want to be told that I can't go on without him. I'm supposed to be the one who suffers. My conscience isn't allowed to be cleared. I want to be living on a fault line, and feel like the fault is all mine. I'm supposed to hate everything about me. I want to be told that I'm annoying and too clingy.
I want to be told that no matter how hard I try I will always fail. I want to be told that I'm messed up and completely broken. I want to be told that I'm not talented in any shape, size, or form. I'm waiting for my ideas to be overlooked. I want to be told that I'm desperate and lonely. I want all of my flaws to be pointed out. I want to be criticized over every little thing I do. I want to be told that insane and too loud.
When I am dropped from this friendship I want to feel betrayed. I want to be told that I'm a horrible person. I want to seem like I'm the crazy one who needs to be confined by a restraining order. I want to feel miserable and hurt. I want to be broken and speechless. I want the friend's words to haunt me day by day. I want to wake up every night with hatred in my heart. Verbal abuse is something I crave, and it's the path I'm dying to follow.
